Curiosity as a healing strategy

One of the communication strategies we talk about in our DEI workshops with organizational clients is what we like to call the “tell me more” strategy - in other words, leaning into curiosity in order to de-escalate a situation and foster an environment and culture where difficult conversations across difference can take place.

While it is not always the right strategy, particularly if hearing more from someone is likely to only cause more harm (you actually have to genuinely be ready to hear more) it can even be a strategy for responding to aggressions, micro or otherwise.

Leaning into curiosity rather than jumping to conclusions or making assumptions about someone’s intent does in fact offer grace to the other person, a grace I would argue that most people deserve simply because of their inherent worth as a human… but we don’t advocate for leaning into curiosity as a suggestion that we owe others grace.

Curiosity, to me, is primarily for ourselves.

It’s a healing strategy for ourselves because when we lean into curiosity, regardless of how the other person reacts (because sometimes they double down and prove all our assumptions about what they meant) it’s a de-escalation strategy for ourselves. It helps us to slow down, take a breath, and be less reactive.

Being in curiosity helps us be less reactive, which takes less of a toll on our nervous system.

Quite often, when I have taken the time to lean into curiosity, I have been surprised. It has opened up avenues to new understanding, common ground, and unexpected possibilities. My assumptions are not always correct.

And sometimes they are, and it feels better to have taken the time to double check anyway.

As I said, it doesn’t always work. There are no one-size-fits-all strategies. In abusive situations, for example, “tell me more” might only invite more abuse. If you don’t want to hear more, don’t ask.

Most of the time, though, especially in a dominant culture where defensiveness is the norm, curiosity can be a pathway not just to self-healing but community healing. And one of the great things about it is you don’t have to be an “expert” or have the “right thing to say” at the tip of your tongue in the heat of the moment. Even just interjecting a “can you tell me more about that?” can be enough to slow things down to untangle mis-assumptions and create a path forward.

How do you use curiosity in your day-to-day life? Can you think of a time when it has unexpectedly de-escalated a situation?

Banner photo by Viviana Rishe on Unsplash

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